I had a miscarriage today

I had a miscarriage today. And the weirdest part is, I feel like I am not supposed to say that or tell anyone.

The bizarre thing about having a miscarriage is that no one knew I was pregnant. Society tells us that we are supposed to keep our pregnancy a secret as long as we can. From work, from friends, even from family, until you're 100% sure that everything will be ok. Silly really.

"Hi, I'm Ruth, I'll be doing your ultrasound today"...Ruth, I thought, that would be a great name for a baby girl. I felt so badly for Ruth when it became clear to her and then to me that there was no baby to name. I said to her as I left the office, my head held slightly lower than when I walked in. "Thank you, have a good day".

And now, I am supposed to grieve, feel the pain, the loss and yet no one knew. So I can't grieve at work, because no one there knew. I can't grieve to my friends, because they didn't know.

So I am left with all my feelings, sad, scared, hopeful, lonely, selfish, confused and more.

I'm told that any day now I will start to bleed...any day...so I've spent the last 48 hours going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, waiting...waiting to bleed, to grieve.

I'm in this odd holding pattern. Just waiting. But the waiting is a blessing. Once the bleeding starts it's really and truly over. And though I've been told there's nothing there, there's no life, I am still sadly hopeful. Denial is a powerful emotion.

10-25% of us have had a miscarriage, but no one talks about it. No one. Why is that?

I was once told that women aren't given many opportunities to talk about their birth stories and that if you ask a woman, she will share. Her joy, sadness, worry, empowerment, total control or total lack of control. "Ask and she will tell" they said. Is it the same for loss? If I am asked years from now about my miscarriage, will I share? Will I cry? Will I still grieve?

So today, I went back to work, because what else am I supposed to do as I wait...wait to begin this journey, this next chapter is my book, in my story. And I know more than anyone that these chapters, they make up a life, a series of books, of journeys and of experiences and that "this too shall pass".

But for now, I'll just wait, and hope and be thankful for this time of silence.