A Date with The Bachelor

I hung out with The Bachelor last night. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks. I can pretty much assume that in that time he was with someone else because he is of course, The Bachelor....

I go back and forth about this "issue" and I just never really know how I feel about it.

I mean here are the facts:

1. I don't want a boyfriend.
2. He could never be my boyfriend.
3. He is seeing other people. 
4. He will never be tied down to one woman.
5. He's hot.
6. He makes me laugh.
7. He's hot.
8. When I think about him I get tingly all over my body.
9. He will never change.
10. I am changing everyday.

But regardless of all that, when we hang out, we have fun. I just don't want to play games ya know? Like: I text him he doesn't respond for 3 hours....then he writes back and I ignore it, until he texts for a second time and so I respond something clever and sexy...so on and so on...blah blah blah...I'm too old for this!

I asked him last night if he ever longed for a relationship...someone to love...someone to go to bed with at night...didn't he want that? Crave that? I could tell it made him uncomfortable...but I just don't understand how he can go through life like this...single....with no thoughts as to settling down.

I know that I want love. I need love. I love-love. I also know I can't have love right now. I need to be broken for a while and walk though my storm to find the right love.

So, until then, I guess I will ride the Bachelor wave until it crashes....it's been about three months, so I am assuming it won't last much longer....right? 

Which is worse and why?

I've always said that I am not scared to be alone. I mean I spent the 8 months of my post married life alone…meaning without any kind of relationship…but I don't know…I mean humans aren't meant to be alone. It's not natural to be alone. But it's also not natural to leave a marriage of 8 years and be in a relationship the next day. How healthy is that?! So what's the right answer? What are the rules of post marriage dating and relationships? And how do you know when you are in a healthy one or one that's just passing the time for you?

Is better to be in a relationship and not feel lonely or to be alone and be working on yourself? Do you have to choose? Can you do both? 

Divorce is expensive….

…because it's worth it.

How to Loose The Bachelor in 10 Days

I love this scene from How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days

Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself,
Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms.
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast.
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how low I've felt so long.
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done.

The Bachelor: Part I

 If you're going to just "get one under your belt" (which was what I kept telling people I needed to do) why not have it be with someone who was super fun to look at...naked...

The Bachelor had invited me over to "drink wine and watch a movie"...apparently even though I had aged 10 years since I last dated, the code words for "hook up" were still the same, but this time instead of going to his parents basement we would be in his house.

I brought wine. I needed to make sure I could drink away my terror and what if what he didn't have what I liked? This was another sign that I am officially a grown up. In high school I once drank a Snapple bottle of Sambuca I stole from a friends parent's liquor cabinet just to get drunk. Not too picky I suppose.  

I walked into his house, his little house...he's only one person remember. It was so....clean....where was all his stuff--I thought? Toys, clutter, magazines...of course there was a Yankees blanket, one of those horrible posters on the wall with an eagle that says courage and surround sound...yup...he was definitely a bachelor.

We sat, drank wine, watched a basketball game and flirted with each other...I patiently waited for him to kiss me...

I got up to refill my drink and opened the fridge to find yet another clue that I was in fact about to sleep with "The Bachelor"...the fridge was empty...I mean, he had like six things in there...almond milk, some muscle drink, a few beers and ketchup...

"Ummmmm, do you have an eating disorder you need to tell me about?" (Don't forget I was a little over-served at this point in the night) "No, what do you mean?" "Where is all your food?" "I'm a bachelor..." apparently bachelors don't eat and they self identify as bachelors too.

So we did eventually kiss and moved into the bedroom where I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen....It did...and it physically felt incredible, like an explosion!    I was thrilled. He got up to use the bathroom and as I laid in his bed I realized I was crying. Just a single tear, rolling down my cheek. I also realized I had about 10 seconds to get my emotions in check before he would come back and see a weeping 33 year old single mother in his very bachelor-ish bed (bad tan comforter, thin pillows etc.)

A swarm of questions rushed through my mind."Did you not want that? Was it bad? Do you feel slutty? Are you scared you will never hear from him again?"

But it was none of those things. It was in fact yet another "first".. I had experienced so many "firsts" in the months since Mr. Little had moved out…move on... but this was a big one. I had not been naked with another man in 10 years. No one had touched me, kissed me, felt me, in over a decade and here I was...

I'm sure he doesn't realize it (I don't think his brain works that way), but The Bachelor will always hold a special place in my journey for that very reason. He made me feel sexy and like a woman again for the first time in a long time.

In classic me fashion I spazzed out, jumped up, quickly got dressed and said I needed to leave. He looked surprised, but walked me to the door where we exchanged in a long, sensual kiss goodbye.

I drove home re-playing the entire scene in my head and it gave me chills up and down my entire body. I also talked myself down off the ledge and into reality where I could potentially never hear from this person again. He got what he wanted and ultimately so did I and I had made the decision that would be ok.

The next morning he texted me...

The 33 Year Old Virgin

Loosing your virginity as an adult must be fascinating. You have so many more life experiences (or maybe you don't and that's why you are an adult virgin), but none the less you have lived longer, know more people, hopefully know more about yourself, what you want, who you are etc. etc. etc.

When I lost my virginity I was a kid. Not like 12 or anything, but too young to really understand what it meant to give myself to someone like that. I did it because my friends were doing it and there ya go.

But loosing my post divorce virginity was way more emotional that I could have imagined it would be.