A Date with The Bachelor

I hung out with The Bachelor last night. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks. I can pretty much assume that in that time he was with someone else because he is of course, The Bachelor....

I go back and forth about this "issue" and I just never really know how I feel about it.

I mean here are the facts:

1. I don't want a boyfriend.
2. He could never be my boyfriend.
3. He is seeing other people. 
4. He will never be tied down to one woman.
5. He's hot.
6. He makes me laugh.
7. He's hot.
8. When I think about him I get tingly all over my body.
9. He will never change.
10. I am changing everyday.

But regardless of all that, when we hang out, we have fun. I just don't want to play games ya know? Like: I text him he doesn't respond for 3 hours....then he writes back and I ignore it, until he texts for a second time and so I respond something clever and sexy...so on and so on...blah blah blah...I'm too old for this!

I asked him last night if he ever longed for a relationship...someone to love...someone to go to bed with at night...didn't he want that? Crave that? I could tell it made him uncomfortable...but I just don't understand how he can go through life like this...single....with no thoughts as to settling down.

I know that I want love. I need love. I love-love. I also know I can't have love right now. I need to be broken for a while and walk though my storm to find the right love.

So, until then, I guess I will ride the Bachelor wave until it crashes....it's been about three months, so I am assuming it won't last much longer....right? 

Which is worse and why?

I've always said that I am not scared to be alone. I mean I spent the 8 months of my post married life alone…meaning without any kind of relationship…but I don't know…I mean humans aren't meant to be alone. It's not natural to be alone. But it's also not natural to leave a marriage of 8 years and be in a relationship the next day. How healthy is that?! So what's the right answer? What are the rules of post marriage dating and relationships? And how do you know when you are in a healthy one or one that's just passing the time for you?

Is better to be in a relationship and not feel lonely or to be alone and be working on yourself? Do you have to choose? Can you do both? 

Divorce is expensive….

…because it's worth it.

How to Loose The Bachelor in 10 Days

I love this scene from How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days

Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself,
Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms.
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast.
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how low I've felt so long.
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done.

The Bachelor: Part I

 If you're going to just "get one under your belt" (which was what I kept telling people I needed to do) why not have it be with someone who was super fun to look at...naked...

The Bachelor had invited me over to "drink wine and watch a movie"...apparently even though I had aged 10 years since I last dated, the code words for "hook up" were still the same, but this time instead of going to his parents basement we would be in his house.

I brought wine. I needed to make sure I could drink away my terror and what if what he didn't have what I liked? This was another sign that I am officially a grown up. In high school I once drank a Snapple bottle of Sambuca I stole from a friends parent's liquor cabinet just to get drunk. Not too picky I suppose.  

I walked into his house, his little house...he's only one person remember. It was so....clean....where was all his stuff--I thought? Toys, clutter, magazines...of course there was a Yankees blanket, one of those horrible posters on the wall with an eagle that says courage and surround sound...yup...he was definitely a bachelor.

We sat, drank wine, watched a basketball game and flirted with each other...I patiently waited for him to kiss me...

I got up to refill my drink and opened the fridge to find yet another clue that I was in fact about to sleep with "The Bachelor"...the fridge was empty...I mean, he had like six things in there...almond milk, some muscle drink, a few beers and ketchup...

"Ummmmm, do you have an eating disorder you need to tell me about?" (Don't forget I was a little over-served at this point in the night) "No, what do you mean?" "Where is all your food?" "I'm a bachelor..." apparently bachelors don't eat and they self identify as bachelors too.

So we did eventually kiss and moved into the bedroom where I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen....It did...and it physically felt incredible, like an explosion!    I was thrilled. He got up to use the bathroom and as I laid in his bed I realized I was crying. Just a single tear, rolling down my cheek. I also realized I had about 10 seconds to get my emotions in check before he would come back and see a weeping 33 year old single mother in his very bachelor-ish bed (bad tan comforter, thin pillows etc.)

A swarm of questions rushed through my mind."Did you not want that? Was it bad? Do you feel slutty? Are you scared you will never hear from him again?"

But it was none of those things. It was in fact yet another "first".. I had experienced so many "firsts" in the months since Mr. Little had moved out…move on... but this was a big one. I had not been naked with another man in 10 years. No one had touched me, kissed me, felt me, in over a decade and here I was...

I'm sure he doesn't realize it (I don't think his brain works that way), but The Bachelor will always hold a special place in my journey for that very reason. He made me feel sexy and like a woman again for the first time in a long time.

In classic me fashion I spazzed out, jumped up, quickly got dressed and said I needed to leave. He looked surprised, but walked me to the door where we exchanged in a long, sensual kiss goodbye.

I drove home re-playing the entire scene in my head and it gave me chills up and down my entire body. I also talked myself down off the ledge and into reality where I could potentially never hear from this person again. He got what he wanted and ultimately so did I and I had made the decision that would be ok.

The next morning he texted me...

The 33 Year Old Virgin

Loosing your virginity as an adult must be fascinating. You have so many more life experiences (or maybe you don't and that's why you are an adult virgin), but none the less you have lived longer, know more people, hopefully know more about yourself, what you want, who you are etc. etc. etc.

When I lost my virginity I was a kid. Not like 12 or anything, but too young to really understand what it meant to give myself to someone like that. I did it because my friends were doing it and there ya go.

But loosing my post divorce virginity was way more emotional that I could have imagined it would be.

They just keep coming....

I don't think it's possible to run out of tears. If it was I would officially be out. I have cried more in the last 15 months that I even knew was possible. I've also done a ton of staring into space, tossing and turning in bed and thinking...

And while none of that seems very productive I am starting to figure out that it is necessary.

You have to grieve the loss of your marriage. It is a death. A death of something you knew, you trusted, you loved. You assumed would always be there and now all of a sudden it's not.

I said to a friend this weekend that I woke up one morning and my life changed forever and it is so true. It's like I said in my first post...that one second...in that one second...my life was...changed.

So yeah. Not possible to run out of tears...they just keep coming...but hopefully they slow down...

Over analyzer...note the anal.

I over analyze everything, It's annoying.

I was having an afternoon tea today with a friend (I was pretending to be British I suppose) and began over analyzing something. She called me out on it and told me to stop or I would make myself crazy!

I agreed, sipped my tea, nibbled my scone and proceeded to ask why I over analyzed everything so much? Could it be something that happened in childhood that lead me to this place of overanalyzing? Could it be the recent split from Mr. Little? What was it?

Seriously? Did I just over analyze why I over analyze?

It won't kill you

That's the worst thing about divorce.

Dear God...Let it be a brain tumor.

I remember thinking praying, that I had come up with the reason why this had happened. It was so obvious and made so much sense--a brain tumor.

It sounds silly now even as I type it, but at the time I had literally convinced myself that my husband, the perfect man and father, could not possibly have done these things on his own accord. There had to be a medical explanation as to why and it was in fact a brain tumor.

Yes. A brain tumor.

A huge mass that had taken over his right cerebral cortex or some other medical term I had heard used on Grey’s Anatomy. 

No such luck. 

It turns out he was just a regular man, with insecurities and fears who I suppose at some point had fallen out of love with me. For him it was easier to move on with someone else who “had time to tell him how special he was” than to deal with me, our family and our marital problems. 

It is to this day something I cannot understand. I have stopped trying. I will never understand that kind of behavior because I would never act that way. 

"Come on Flowers, Go it Alone"

If you know me, you know my love for all things Sex in the City. The fashion, the cosmos, the hair, the men, the friendships, the sex, the fantasy...all of it.

But what attracts me to it still, after all these years, is how I can watch it during different times in my life and relate to the different women: Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte.

While my life has most recently resembled Miranda in the movie after discovering that Steve is a cheater (although he was sorry, something Mr. Little never seemed to be), I often relate to Charlotte's struggles and triumphs after her failed marriage with Trey.

There is a great scene in the episode entitled "Change of a Dress" where Charlotte is trying to get through those trials and tribulations of divorce by trying new things. She finds herself in the middle of a tap dance class having a meltdown during "Tea for Two"...it's funny, because it's realistic.

(I took African Dance post divorce: No joke...no judgment)

When Mr. Little first moved out I was on a mission to have a re-birth. A re-birth of my house, my body, my hair, my wardrobe, my career, my friends....a re-birth of the life I had come to know over the last decade that all of a sudden no longer existed. I painted furniture, smoked cigarettes, moved things around, went shopping, drank wine, made new friends, talked on the phone for hours, re-connected with people I had long forgotten about.

It was awesome and sad and a re-birth of me.

Dating

I'm dating...or trying to at least.

It's honestly hilarious. I often wish I could smuggle a girlfriend in my pocket so she could see what I am experiencing on these dates as a 33 year old single mother who hasn't dated in as long as I can remember.

I'll give you a quick run down of some of the men, boys, guys that I have come into contact with so far. Some will have the pleasure of an entire blog post (maybe more) dedicated just to them, some will come and go as quickly as your attention span. Don't blink, you might miss them.

1. The first one..my post divorce soul mate: About 2.5 months after walking away from my marriage I went to NYC to hang out with some old college friends. The plan? Get drunk, go shopping, kiss a boy. All was accomplished, but I never meant to fall in love...

2. Gay and didn't know it guy: We met online, chatted for a few weeks and planned to meet, but schedules, illness and kids kept us from actually seeing one another in person. Until I was at a press conference for work and he walked right up to me and introduced himself as my online friend. I quickly realized several things. 1. OMG this is the online guy 2. He's really short 3. He's gay and doesn't know it.

3. I make $131,000 a year and drive an awesome truck guy: Was he trying to impress me? Did he grow up poor and this was a big deal to him? Does he have a small penis? What was all this bragging about? I'm not quite sure, but he was intense and so he had to go.

4. The Bachelor: Ah, The Bachelor...So far he's my favorite. Awesome to look at...I mean hot. Good job. Tall. And a big silver watch (it's my thing). I describe him to people like this "when he walked into Starbucks (why not combine my favorite venti non fat vanilla latte with an awkward, yet safe first encounter--am I right?) I could literally hear Taylor Swift playing in the background "I knew you were trouble when you walked in...so shame on me now"...but I didn't don't care...he's yummy.

5. Lacrosse coach: He was cute, nice, we laughed....but I was preoccupied with The Bachelor, so it was never going to work.

6. The Tinders: Tinder is the most superficial dating app I have ever seen in my life. It's also super fun to use when out with friends and drinking. I have "connected" with like 100 guys on tinder, some for 5 minutes, some for up to a week (that's a long time in Tinderville!). I can't tell you any of there names because I didn't care enough to remember.

7. The Untouchables: I have a couple of guys in my life who I just have plain old crushes on...and yet they are untouchable. I am definitely not dating them, and never will, but they make the list anyway :)

8. The Single Dad: He was so great. A single Dad of two. He came over, we cooked dinner, bashed our exes, bragged about our kids and ate like kings! It was a fabulous night with someone who felt like an old roommate from long ago. We were never going to be a love connection, but have stayed in touch and text every now and then.

9.....

10....

Dear Legal System...F**k You

Going through a divorce is brutal. It is just brutal.

There are so many brutal pieces to it I can't even make a top 10 list of the most brutal.  But if I did "The Legal System" would certainly be up there in slots 1, 2 or 3.

It is slow, expensive, confusing, scary and doesn't always seem to make sense or serve justly.

I thought I was a shoe in for getting what I wanted deserved after my divorce. My husband had an affair. It was that simple. Actually nothing about it was simple, but simply put he was the one whose actions caused the split, so therefore I should get what I deserve and he should get what he deserves....it doesn't work that way.

New York is a no fault state, meaning no where during our divorce proceedings would it come up that Mr. Little put his Mr. Little in someone else while we were still married.

Originally I had wanted to move back to my hometown, about 150 miles from where we lived as a family...but Mr. Little said no, so I was stuck. Injustice number one. Why does he get to say no? Didn't he loose his rights when he chose to break our vows? Nope.

Then I had wanted the children to be with me more of the time. They had always spent more time with me due to his work schedule. Why should it change now? He said no. Injustice number two. 

Finally I wanted some sort of financial support from him to care for said children, stay in our house etc. He didn't feel he should have to pay, so yet again, I was asked to reconsider the amount. Injustice number three.

If I let myself, I start to go down this tunnel of "that's not fair". Just like what my five year old says when I tell her no candy before dinner "that's not fair". He had an affair, remained in what appeared to be a happy relationship with this woman (I can only hope it's actually miserable), didn't really deal with anything pertaining to the children as far as school, clothes, lunches etc., left our home and got a new apartment that he furnised with half our furniture and went on his merry way. SO NOT FAIR!

I have heard from so many people that his time will come and that walking through the storm is way harder than walking around it. But once the storm hits him he will crumble and fall...

We head to court on monday to hopefully come to some agreement on child support and custody. I'm so scared. I'll keep you posted...

10 Super Annoying Things About Going Through a Divorce

When you make the decision to get a divorce (or the decision is made for you) there are endless amounts of tears, worries, stressors, sleepless nights, desires etc. that you are forced to deal with:
Every. Single. Day.


So there I was, in the middle of an emotional breakdown, barely able to get up and dress myself and my two little girls and yet life wouldn't stop. It just kept going. I had to pick myself up and begin the process of unraveling 10 years of a life spent with someone who was now no more than a stranger---and man was it annoying.


1. Verizon Wireless: Do they not know that people get divorces!? Separating our family plan into two separate lines was almost as difficult as having an afternoon tea with the President of the United States. The contracts, the billing, the phone calls all to give them more money for the same freaking services!


2. Facebook: Dear Facebook--you suck for people going through a divorce. You show me roses on Valentine's Day, happy families in Disney World and gifts from loving husbands who don't lie and cheat.


3. The In-Laws: The truth is I was never fond of my in-laws to begin with. They never really got me and I never got them. They would tease me for being Italian, Catholic and drinking organic milk...I would question their values, integrity and how they treated one another. But none-the-less, looking at someone as your family for 10 years and then cutting those ties is painful and annoying.


4. "This is my...": He had always been my husband...and now I wasn't sure who he was. Introducing Mr. Little (an homage to my love for Sex in the City) to people we met was awkward and weird...and ANNOYING!


5. Advice: Now don't get me wrong--getting advice, guidance and direction from people is what literally saved my life during some of the darkest days I had, but it was also one of the most annoying things ever. It was like I needed to hand out guidelines as to what kind of advice I needed when.


6. Co-Parenting: I freaking hate co-parenting. I have said that co-parenting for me is like raising my children with a stranger who I hated and having no say in what he did with my children, who he brought around them, what he fed them, how he dressed them, what he let them watch on TV etc. etc. etc.

7. Dating: What the hell dating? You are insane! Fun, exhausting, scary, sexy, confusing etc. Last time I dated I was 21, and I don't think we called it dating back then. I think we called it "Go out, get drunk, make out with some guy and poof he is your new boyfriend".

8. Head Tilt/Rub & Pat: When I was 14 my best friends father died suddenly of a heart attack. It was horrible. I remember sitting with her mother on the couch in their living room and she would tell me how more than anything she hated the head tilt and the rub and pat--allow me to clarify. The head tilt was when someone would talk to her about what had happened and tilt their head towards their shoulder and frown to show sympathy....hated it...(and you know you are doing it as you read this). The second was when someone would hug her for an extended period of time, rub her back and pat it...hated it. I also hate them both, and the people who do them. It's annoying.

9. Sex: This somewhat ties into number seven...but not always :) Sex is madness. It was never something I thought much about in relation to supply and demand. When I wanted it, I got it, when I didn't want it that was fine too. But not being able to have it---now that sucks. Early on I was told by a close friend to be a strong woman, care for my children, get my finances in order, find a good therapist and get a really awesome vibrator. Check, check , check, check and CHECK!

10. Going through a divorce. Yeah...it's annoying.

The 7 Habits of Highly Broken Down People

I had a training recently on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I was inspired, moved to tears, motivated and broken.

After the training was over I went to the speaker, introduced myself and told him how wonderful the morning had been. He smiled and thanked me.

"But what if I incorporate all of these habits into my life, but the people I interact with don't do the same...then what?"

"You can only worry about what you do and how you act. Then it won't matter what those other people are doing because you will be living the best version of you there is..."

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are forced to change ourselves" ~Viktor E. Frankl

Day One

I can literally remember the exact second that my life changed forever. Sometimes I think I am lucky to remember that moment so clearly. To have that second to look back and reflect on for years to come. And I am hopeful that as the years pass and that second becomes nothing but a distant memory, that it won’t hold so much meaning in my life. That it will in fact be nothing more than a second. An insignificant amount of time that means nothing. But for now, for today, I can remember, and it hurts, scares me and brought me to where I am today.

When your marriage falls apart, when your husband cheats on you, when you feel blindsided and don’t know where to run, where to look, who to tell…things stand still. They did for me anyway, and I have heard from other people that they had a similar experience. I explain it by referencing a scene in a movie where a women is standing in the middle of a NYC street and all the cars and people are moving around her so quickly that they are blurry and not in focus, and she is there, perfectly still just looking around at the world passing her by. 

That was me, still, motionless, powerless, or so I thought. Just waiting. Waiting for my husband to tell me his version of the truth, to give me an explanation I could wrap my head around, to figure out how we were going to walk though this pain and come out the other end untouched. In those early days I remember thinking I would tell my friends and family in 20 years when our marriage was stronger than ever. I would tell them of this tough time we went through and how we came out the other end better...it didn't happen that way... 

"Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we" ~ Alanis Morissette