They just keep coming....

I don't think it's possible to run out of tears. If it was I would officially be out. I have cried more in the last 15 months that I even knew was possible. I've also done a ton of staring into space, tossing and turning in bed and thinking...

And while none of that seems very productive I am starting to figure out that it is necessary.

You have to grieve the loss of your marriage. It is a death. A death of something you knew, you trusted, you loved. You assumed would always be there and now all of a sudden it's not.

I said to a friend this weekend that I woke up one morning and my life changed forever and it is so true. It's like I said in my first post...that one second...in that one second...my life was...changed.

So yeah. Not possible to run out of tears...they just keep coming...but hopefully they slow down...

Over analyzer...note the anal.

I over analyze everything, It's annoying.

I was having an afternoon tea today with a friend (I was pretending to be British I suppose) and began over analyzing something. She called me out on it and told me to stop or I would make myself crazy!

I agreed, sipped my tea, nibbled my scone and proceeded to ask why I over analyzed everything so much? Could it be something that happened in childhood that lead me to this place of overanalyzing? Could it be the recent split from Mr. Little? What was it?

Seriously? Did I just over analyze why I over analyze?

It won't kill you

That's the worst thing about divorce.

Dear God...Let it be a brain tumor.

I remember thinking praying, that I had come up with the reason why this had happened. It was so obvious and made so much sense--a brain tumor.

It sounds silly now even as I type it, but at the time I had literally convinced myself that my husband, the perfect man and father, could not possibly have done these things on his own accord. There had to be a medical explanation as to why and it was in fact a brain tumor.

Yes. A brain tumor.

A huge mass that had taken over his right cerebral cortex or some other medical term I had heard used on Grey’s Anatomy. 

No such luck. 

It turns out he was just a regular man, with insecurities and fears who I suppose at some point had fallen out of love with me. For him it was easier to move on with someone else who “had time to tell him how special he was” than to deal with me, our family and our marital problems. 

It is to this day something I cannot understand. I have stopped trying. I will never understand that kind of behavior because I would never act that way. 

"Come on Flowers, Go it Alone"

If you know me, you know my love for all things Sex in the City. The fashion, the cosmos, the hair, the men, the friendships, the sex, the fantasy...all of it.

But what attracts me to it still, after all these years, is how I can watch it during different times in my life and relate to the different women: Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte.

While my life has most recently resembled Miranda in the movie after discovering that Steve is a cheater (although he was sorry, something Mr. Little never seemed to be), I often relate to Charlotte's struggles and triumphs after her failed marriage with Trey.

There is a great scene in the episode entitled "Change of a Dress" where Charlotte is trying to get through those trials and tribulations of divorce by trying new things. She finds herself in the middle of a tap dance class having a meltdown during "Tea for Two"...it's funny, because it's realistic.

(I took African Dance post divorce: No joke...no judgment)

When Mr. Little first moved out I was on a mission to have a re-birth. A re-birth of my house, my body, my hair, my wardrobe, my career, my friends....a re-birth of the life I had come to know over the last decade that all of a sudden no longer existed. I painted furniture, smoked cigarettes, moved things around, went shopping, drank wine, made new friends, talked on the phone for hours, re-connected with people I had long forgotten about.

It was awesome and sad and a re-birth of me.

Dating

I'm dating...or trying to at least.

It's honestly hilarious. I often wish I could smuggle a girlfriend in my pocket so she could see what I am experiencing on these dates as a 33 year old single mother who hasn't dated in as long as I can remember.

I'll give you a quick run down of some of the men, boys, guys that I have come into contact with so far. Some will have the pleasure of an entire blog post (maybe more) dedicated just to them, some will come and go as quickly as your attention span. Don't blink, you might miss them.

1. The first one..my post divorce soul mate: About 2.5 months after walking away from my marriage I went to NYC to hang out with some old college friends. The plan? Get drunk, go shopping, kiss a boy. All was accomplished, but I never meant to fall in love...

2. Gay and didn't know it guy: We met online, chatted for a few weeks and planned to meet, but schedules, illness and kids kept us from actually seeing one another in person. Until I was at a press conference for work and he walked right up to me and introduced himself as my online friend. I quickly realized several things. 1. OMG this is the online guy 2. He's really short 3. He's gay and doesn't know it.

3. I make $131,000 a year and drive an awesome truck guy: Was he trying to impress me? Did he grow up poor and this was a big deal to him? Does he have a small penis? What was all this bragging about? I'm not quite sure, but he was intense and so he had to go.

4. The Bachelor: Ah, The Bachelor...So far he's my favorite. Awesome to look at...I mean hot. Good job. Tall. And a big silver watch (it's my thing). I describe him to people like this "when he walked into Starbucks (why not combine my favorite venti non fat vanilla latte with an awkward, yet safe first encounter--am I right?) I could literally hear Taylor Swift playing in the background "I knew you were trouble when you walked in...so shame on me now"...but I didn't don't care...he's yummy.

5. Lacrosse coach: He was cute, nice, we laughed....but I was preoccupied with The Bachelor, so it was never going to work.

6. The Tinders: Tinder is the most superficial dating app I have ever seen in my life. It's also super fun to use when out with friends and drinking. I have "connected" with like 100 guys on tinder, some for 5 minutes, some for up to a week (that's a long time in Tinderville!). I can't tell you any of there names because I didn't care enough to remember.

7. The Untouchables: I have a couple of guys in my life who I just have plain old crushes on...and yet they are untouchable. I am definitely not dating them, and never will, but they make the list anyway :)

8. The Single Dad: He was so great. A single Dad of two. He came over, we cooked dinner, bashed our exes, bragged about our kids and ate like kings! It was a fabulous night with someone who felt like an old roommate from long ago. We were never going to be a love connection, but have stayed in touch and text every now and then.

9.....

10....

Dear Legal System...F**k You

Going through a divorce is brutal. It is just brutal.

There are so many brutal pieces to it I can't even make a top 10 list of the most brutal.  But if I did "The Legal System" would certainly be up there in slots 1, 2 or 3.

It is slow, expensive, confusing, scary and doesn't always seem to make sense or serve justly.

I thought I was a shoe in for getting what I wanted deserved after my divorce. My husband had an affair. It was that simple. Actually nothing about it was simple, but simply put he was the one whose actions caused the split, so therefore I should get what I deserve and he should get what he deserves....it doesn't work that way.

New York is a no fault state, meaning no where during our divorce proceedings would it come up that Mr. Little put his Mr. Little in someone else while we were still married.

Originally I had wanted to move back to my hometown, about 150 miles from where we lived as a family...but Mr. Little said no, so I was stuck. Injustice number one. Why does he get to say no? Didn't he loose his rights when he chose to break our vows? Nope.

Then I had wanted the children to be with me more of the time. They had always spent more time with me due to his work schedule. Why should it change now? He said no. Injustice number two. 

Finally I wanted some sort of financial support from him to care for said children, stay in our house etc. He didn't feel he should have to pay, so yet again, I was asked to reconsider the amount. Injustice number three.

If I let myself, I start to go down this tunnel of "that's not fair". Just like what my five year old says when I tell her no candy before dinner "that's not fair". He had an affair, remained in what appeared to be a happy relationship with this woman (I can only hope it's actually miserable), didn't really deal with anything pertaining to the children as far as school, clothes, lunches etc., left our home and got a new apartment that he furnised with half our furniture and went on his merry way. SO NOT FAIR!

I have heard from so many people that his time will come and that walking through the storm is way harder than walking around it. But once the storm hits him he will crumble and fall...

We head to court on monday to hopefully come to some agreement on child support and custody. I'm so scared. I'll keep you posted...