Day One

I can literally remember the exact second that my life changed forever. Sometimes I think I am lucky to remember that moment so clearly. To have that second to look back and reflect on for years to come. And I am hopeful that as the years pass and that second becomes nothing but a distant memory, that it won’t hold so much meaning in my life. That it will in fact be nothing more than a second. An insignificant amount of time that means nothing. But for now, for today, I can remember, and it hurts, scares me and brought me to where I am today.

When your marriage falls apart, when your husband cheats on you, when you feel blindsided and don’t know where to run, where to look, who to tell…things stand still. They did for me anyway, and I have heard from other people that they had a similar experience. I explain it by referencing a scene in a movie where a women is standing in the middle of a NYC street and all the cars and people are moving around her so quickly that they are blurry and not in focus, and she is there, perfectly still just looking around at the world passing her by. 

That was me, still, motionless, powerless, or so I thought. Just waiting. Waiting for my husband to tell me his version of the truth, to give me an explanation I could wrap my head around, to figure out how we were going to walk though this pain and come out the other end untouched. In those early days I remember thinking I would tell my friends and family in 20 years when our marriage was stronger than ever. I would tell them of this tough time we went through and how we came out the other end better...it didn't happen that way... 

"Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we" ~ Alanis Morissette