Funny

What wouldn’t I be able to do without him?

Cut the grass, light the grille, shovel the snow....

The only part of my life I never had any doubt about or fear of knowing how to handle was raising my children. Never.  

When I think about that I am amazed. 

That piece was easy. Caring for my children? Being a single mother? I knew that piece of my life would be fine, and it didn’t scare me…but the thought of having to cut that grass?! Now that made me cry myself to sleep at night!

Funny. 

When your life is literally falling apart before your eyes the things we think about and focus on don’t seem to make much sense when your standing just a few months away from it.

Breezy?

I am Monica….Breezy? Not. So. Much.

Monogamous vs. Monotonous.....relationships.

This entire time since my marriage ended I have been telling myself and other people that I just want a regular relationship like everyone else has---boring, TV watching, pizza eating relationship.

Then something happened, it was like switch went off in my mind---do I really want that? Need that? I was single for the first time in as long as I could remember and having an amazing time doing….well, basically, whatever I wanted! Single was FUN!

And the question that kept haunting me was…if you're in a monogamous relationship…does it always have to become monotonous?

Butterflies

And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time,
Taking flight, making me feel right

I met him over a month ago at an event in Saratoga. His name is John. 

It was like a scene out of a movie, everyone is slow motion, the crowd parts and there he was, standing there, smiling, sipping a cocktail and I was hit. We chatted for a bit, but we were both there with other dates, so the conversation was kept to a minimum. 

The next day he was certainly on my mind…

About a week later I would get to see him again, this time in a smaller group setting…and so it begins…butterflies...

Dear John…by the time you get this blog post...

I have decided to make a top 10 list of things that were awesome about my first "actual relationship" post Mr. Little.

1. Masi. It's a red wine. It costs about $14 a bottle. It's freaking delicious. Thanks John!

2. Nice hotels. He loved them. So do I. We stayed in a few. Thanks John!

3. Being those annoying people in a restaurant. You know the people I am talking about. Flirty, kissy, silly, a little drunk. We were them. We were so annoying. I loved it. Thanks John!

4. Flowers. I love them. He bought me some. Thanks John!

5. The future. We would talk about what it would look like. He allowed me to move on with my life. Thanks John!

6. Oprah on Satellite Radio. I love Oprah…love her. I had no idea she had a radio station on satellite radio. He told me. Thanks John!

7. Kids. He had one. I have two. I felt good talking about mine to him and listening to stories about his. Thanks John!

8. Spontaneity. He had a lot of it. I typically have none. I loved how I was able to be spontaneous with him. Thanks John!

9. A super king size bed. He had the best bed. Ever! Big. Good pillows. Good blankets. And him of course.  Thanks John! (Remember The Bachelor's Bed? Horrible!)

10. He wasn't the right one for me. So now I am open again to find the right person. Thanks John...

It is crazy to me how I can feel so great one day, one moment, one second and then all of a sudden out of nowhere I feel like I have been hit by a truck. These peaks and valleys of emotions have certainly leveled themselves out over the last 15 months, but every now and then…bam!

 I still get knots in my stomach when I see Mr. Little’s name in my inbox or pop up on my phone.

 10 years ago those same emails or texts would have given me butterflies and here I am standing 3,650 days away from that girl I used to be and it causes my anxiety and stress.

 I look forward to the day where his name or face pop up and all I feel is “oh…my children’s father is trying to get a hold of me”….will that day come? If so, can you please tell me when?

Perspective

per·spec·tive

pərˈspektiv/

noun

noun: perspective

1.

the art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point.

2.

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

"most guidebook history is written from the editor's perspective"

 Perspective is a funny thing. Not just for someone going through a divorce, but for anyone really. 

I was having coffee with a friend last week...she is a lawyer...and despite what I said about loathing the legal system I am very fond of her. 

She told me how she was in court and caught a glace of some men on trial. They were sentenced to jail time and would not be getting out in their lifetimes. It struck her..she said "you only get one life...and these men would be spending theirs in prison"...she seemed so moved, so provoked by this thought..then she said..."and I was thinking about Beyonce and Jay Z and how I will never get to experience any of the fabulous things they do everyday"...I busted out laughing. "Yes, and they look at your sad life as successful lawyer, mother of two beautiful girls, wife of a handsome successful businessman and think...that poor prisoner..."

But the truth is that your perspective can change in a second...just like your life can...and that is the most terrifying and comforting thought I have for today.